Iron Chef Seireitei
by Lanilen
Summary: Today a man's fantasy becomes reality, in a form never seen before in Soul Society: Kitchen Stadium! A giant cooking arena! With emphasis on the ARENA part!
1. Chapter 1

**PREFACE:** Yes, I will change the way Iron Chef is presented _slightly_ for comedic value. I had this idea after a very long night out, so it's going to be slightly weird. That said, it made me giggle, so... Here you have it! Throw us a line if you liked it!

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><p>Today, a man's fantasy becomes reality, in a form never seen before in Soul Society. Kitchen Stadium! A new cooking arena, where champions do battle for the first time in a battle of skills that have never been tested, using all their senses, skill, and creativity, to prepare dishes never tasted before!<p>

The motivation for embezzling all of his Division's funds to create Kitchen Stadium was to encounter new original cuisines, which could be called true food for the Soul. To realize his dreams, our beloved Chairman, the one and only Captain Kyōraku, will choose a Chef to represent his vision of true tradition in food, his Iron Chef, and after that any challenger may come forth to claim his prize. If ever a challenger wins over the Iron Chef, he or she will win the people's ovation and fame forever.!

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><p>The 8th Division's barracks were busting with activity, the likes of which hadn't been seen since the days of the Shinigami war. Shinigami, nobles from the major and minor noble houses, nobody wanted to miss an event that promised to revolutionize the way battles were made in Soul Society henceforth. The Kitchen Stadium arena was ready, and as three thousand people assumed their seats around the immense pit, Captain Kyōraku made his way to the centre, wearing his best pink kimono and under the ovation of the expectant public. To his left, a large cooking area for the Iron Chef. To his other left, an identical mirrored one for the challenger. Behind him, a large selection of the best fresh produce and ingredients Soul Society had to offer, as well as exotic foodstuffs from all over the Living World.<p>

And in front of him, covered by a large sheet, a secret ingredient nobody was allowed to see.

"Thank you, everyone, for coming to our first ever Iron Chef battle!"

Roars of applause ripped through the air into an almost deafening cheer. Yoruichi bent forward and talked to Nanao's ear.

"Nanao-chan, way to go! This is very impressive! I'm surprised you managed something like this."

"Yoruichi-san..." She turned around, and Yoruichi noticed she was at the verge of tears. "Our budget... The Captain-Commander is going to kill us!"

"Aaah, what are you talking about?"

"Huh?"

"Look." Yoruichi pointed at the arena, where a table had been set aside for the commentators. Gin was holding the main microphone as he did the introductions, with Ōmaeda, Ichigo, and...

"Captain-Commander-sama?" Nanao called out, surprised.

"I don't think you'll have a problem with the budget, the old man seems happy!"

Thruth to be told, he looked the same as always, when he wasn't being freaky intimidating with his crushing reiatsu or being just plain scary, that is.

"Whew." Nanao's relief was palpable. "I hope so, Yoruichi-san."

"Well, well." Kyōraku kept talking. "As today is our first battle, I have chosen someone who I am sure will properly uphold Soul Society's culinary traditions. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you today's Iron Chef!" There was a repeated drumbeat, and as a ridiculously large fireworks show exploded, the Iron Chef was raised on a platform for everyone to see. "Kuchiki Byakuya!"

Roars of applause tore through the air, as a very neatly prepared Byakuya opened his eyes slowly. At that moment, a massive fireworks explosion turned the whole arena into a show of fire, sparks, smoke, and even more noise. A good ten minutes and a visit by the emergency services squad to put out a rather large fire later, the festivities resumed.

"Kūkaku really went all out, phew!" Yoruichi remarked, smirking.

"Our budget... ;_;" Nanao responded.

"And now, the man who will challenge my Iron Chef. A genius, proclaimed and recognized by everyone in Soul Society. The youngest ever Captain of the Gotei 13, Hitsugaya Tōshirō!"

More fireworks. More explosions. A second even larger fire and two injured members of the emergency services squad (one by fire, the other by frostbite after Tōshirō got extremely annoyed at the heat). And Tōshirō walked into the arena. He was greeted by the Chairman with all the pomp and ceremony that could be expected.

"Welcome, to my Kitchen Stadium."

"Thank you, Chairman-sama."

"You are the youngest Shinigami to reach the rank of Captain, and are looked up to by every young Shinigami of the new generation. I expect great things from you today, Hitsugaya-san, and hope you will show us what the future of Soul Society Cuisine will bring."

"I will do my best."

"Chefs! To your stations!"

Fireworks. Explosions. Large fires. Crumbling walls that forced the relocation of a hundred of the attendees.

Very spectacular.

"Our budgeeeeeeeet! ;_;"

"There, there, Nanao-chan..." Yoruichi patted her affectionately.

As the two Captains assumed their positions in their respective halves of the kitchen, putting their aprons on and ever so covertly assessing their surroundings, Kyōraku placed himself at the top of the platform.

"To aid the Chefs, I have selected qualified assistants that will perform well and are familiar with each one of the Chefs. For my Iron Chef, I have selected a member of his own household, as well as his very own Lieutenant. Please welcome. Kuchiki Rukia! Abarai Renji!"

There were no applauses this time. Everybody ducked for cover as they were sure they now were under attack. Assistants managed to calm the crowd that was rushing for the emergency exists, and politely asked them to stand at a distance while the assistants finished putting out the fire and building emergency scaffolds to replace the collapsed half of the stadium.

"I can't wait to see the finale! Kūkaku has definitely outdone herself this time!" Yoruichi proclaimed, very satisfied. "Don't you agree, Nanao-c..."

"She's passed out." Isane replied, using a small fan to push fresh air on the young Shinigami's face.

"She's missing the good stuff."

Back on the stadium, Gin was welcoming the crowd back. Ichigo was looking bewildered, and Ōmaeda was hiding under the commentator's desk. The Captain-Commander hadn't moved one inch, or said one word.

"And now." Kyōraku continued, taking the rebuilt and improvised center stage atop the ruins of the old one. "For Chef Hitsugaya the selection was obvious. Two shining beacons of the new generation of cooks. Matsumoto Rangiku! Inoue Orihime!"

There was a tense moment, when everyone held their breaths, ready to duck, run for their lives, or merely start praying. Another instant. Then another. Until the silence was broken by a familiar female voice.

"Ganju, you failure!" Kūkaku shouted.

There finally was a loud explosion, which was her punching her brother and sending him flying. As he disappeared in the distance, his voice could be heard as he cried out:

"I'm sorry neeeeeeeeeeeee-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan..."

There was a twinkle in the sky as he disappeared, and that was it. In the meantime, the assistants took their stations. Byakuya looked completely calm. Tōshirō looked left and right to his smiling, racked female companions, and couldn't hold out any longer.

"Oi! What's the big idea!"

"And now, we shall introduce the theme ingredient!" Kyōraku called, ignoring his protestations. "I thought and thought, and decided I should choose a theme that would require both skills, as well as imagination. I present... The theme ingredient!"

The battle was delayed for two hours, as new fresh ingredients were gathered to replace the ones that went up in smoke in the extremely large explosion that destroyed the Kitchen Stadium, as well as to move the spectators and commentators.

That's when Nanao heard for the first time that Kyōraku had built a backup arena with the Division's money.

She was taken to the 4th Division's Relief Station on a stretcher.

"Well now, I present the NEW theme ingredient." There was a trepidation in the air, but no fireworks had been moved to the new Arena.

Yet.

The Chairman unveiled the ingredient. Pike Eel!

Tōshirō and Byakuya looked at each other, but didn't move a muscle.

"Aaah, and now the stage is set!" Gin called over the loudspeakers. "Let's get it on!"

"Allez Cuisine!" Kyōraku called.

There was less than a blink between Kyōraku finishing the announcement, and the two Chefs disappearing in a blur of shunpo. Choosing the best ingredient is vital, and so is getting there first, in a battle of this level. Byakuka flashed in a fraction of a second faster than Tōshirō, and when he reached out with his arm to counter, he found himself instead with an apron covering his face.

"Way of Onmitsu, Utsusemi." Byakuya said calmly, quickly selecting the best eels and rushing back to his station.

Tōshirō cursed under his breath.

"Ooooh, and the first skirmish goes to Chef Kuchiki!" Gin called enthusiastically. "And I will now take a moment to present the commentator guests today. First, we have Shinigami Representative, Kurosaki Ichigo. Thank you for joining us!"

"Ah. Hi." Ichigo replied, still looking bewildered.

"Kurosaki-kun, are you handy in the kitchen yourself?"

"Well, not really. Yuzu does most of the cooking at home, so..."

"I see. Are you looking forward to seeing the dishes today then?"

"Ah, well..." He looked at Byakuya giving orders, and at Tōshirō trying to rein in his own walking disasters, and a large sweatdrop fell down his face. "Sure. Sure."

"And we have Ōmaeda-san here, welcome to today's event!" Gin called again, enthusiastically.

"Thank you, thank you."

"I suppose you don't do much cooking yourself, Ōmaeda-san?"

"Not really, but you see, we always have the finest dishes available in our manor, only the finest will do of course!"

"I see. So I suppose it will be hard to surprise you?"

"I really look forward to it!I will definitely have our chefs learn from anything here that looks tasty!"

"Thank you!" Gin replied. "And finally, Captain-Commander Yamamoto Genryūsai, welcome to our event!"

Silence.

"Um, I suppose in your long career you have tasted many different dishes, Captain-Commander-dono?"

Silence.

"Ah, well..." Gin scratched his head, uncomfortable. "So, in the meantime."

"They're preparing the Pike Eel." Yamamoto interrupted, with a finality in his voice that stopped anyone from saying anything for several seconds.

"Right, right." Gin finally managed to speak. "This is a very delicate process, the fillets have to be carefully cut at regular intervals without breaking the skin! Oooh, what's Chef Kuchiki doing?"

Byakuya laid two eels carefully on the cutting board, and unsheathed his Zanpakutō. Raising it to his face, he called.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

The blade divided into a thousand individual blades, fluttering in the air like individual cherry blossom petals. He concentrated, and with a very carefully executed move, the petals flew through the air, coming down at the eels and cutting in perfect regularity through the flesh and bone without damaging the skin even one bit.

"Woooow, amazing! Way to go Byakuya!" Ichigo cried out.

"That's Iron Chef Kuchiki fer ya." Gin replied approvingly.

On the other side, Tōshirō had placed a wooden box in front of the table to be able to reach the cutting board comfortably. He placed a open pike eel on it and, extending the chain at the end of his Zanpakutō, started spinning it at great speed. With a fluid and expertly executed movement he passed the fast spinning crescent over the pike eel, cutting through the bones with as much perfection as Byakuya had managed.

"Not bad at all." Ōmaeda commented. "If I get my chefs to learn that they should be able to serve me even faster!"

"Renji." Byakuya called. "Begin preparations."

"Yes sir!"

Renji rushed to the stand with extra ingredients and started selecting flowers from it.

"What's Renji doing?" Ichigo asked.

"Believe it or not, he is very skilled at Ikebana, one of Captain Unohana's star pupils!" Gin replied.

"You... You kidding me?" Ichigo asked, turning slightly blue.

In the meantime, Rukia had gotten a list of ingredients from Byakuya. Tomatoes, other vegetables, garlic, vinegar, soy sauce... And Pike Eel, of course.

_Nii-sama, I will not disappoint you!_

Without a second's hesitation, Rukia threw everything in a blender and set it on high. She collected the same ingredients a second time, put them all in the blender, closed the _motherfucking lid_, and set it on high.

"Nii-sama... My deepest..."

"Nevermind, Rukia." He replied, wiping pureé from his face.

On the other side, Orihime had gotten a pot going. Nobody knew where from, but she had gotten a witch hat too, and was wearing it proudly as she stirred what should, without a doubt, be called a fucking _cauldron. _Ichigo couldn't be sure, but he thought he had seen a rather big leg of something just dissolve inside as she stirred.

"Bubble bubble, you're in twuble!" She cried out, stirring enthusiastically.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tōshirō cried out.

"Aaaah! You told me to start getting the stock ready, so I hehehe..."

"Water and seaweed! That's all! What the hell is this?"

Inoue lifted the large ladle she was using to stir the whole ungodly mix, to give it a taste, but before she could, the metal dissolved away, falling back in the cauldron with a plop.

"We don't have time for this! Only one hour!"

"And the first fifteen minutes are gone!" Gin called. "And so far, it's hard to tell who's ahead! What a battle!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Ichimaru-san!"

"From the floor, our special commentator Ishida Uryuu, go!" Gin replied.

"Thank you." Ishida said calmly, adjusting his glasses and raising the microphone. "The Iron Chef is going to be making five dishes today, with a sixth if he has enough time."

"Five dishes! That's impressive!" Gin commented.

"The challenger is also making five dishes, including a dessert. Back to you!"

" A dessert with Pike Eel!" Gin said, surprised. "Kurosaki-kun, what do you think?"

"Ah, well, I dunno, it sounds..." Ichigo started thinking, imagining what it would be like. He first imagined Tōshirō preparing an eel, then Orihime getting hold of it and suddenly throwing it in a pot of ice cream, Matsumoto chopping fruit inside, then some vegetables, and finally chopping some fresh liver on top, pouring something he couldn't identify even though it was his own fantasy. He stopped imagining when he turned green and felt himself gagging.

"I'll take that as 'wonderful'." Gin replied, full of diplomacy.

"Matsumoto! Go get the sake!" Tōshirō called, stressed.

"Really? We are celebrating already?" Her face lit up at the idea.

"O_h crap, that wasn't a good idea..._" Tōshirō muttered, then continued in what he hoped would be a firm voice. "Don't be silly." He pointed at an earthen pot. "Wait until it starts boiling, add two cups of sake, then keep it at a very low simmer and correct the taste."

Ignoring him, but giving the outwardly appearance of having understood everything, Matsumoto made for the ingredient stand. She was practically beaming when she saw the wide variety of sake available.

"My, my, this isn't good! I have to make sure we have the best one! Only one way to find out!" She smiled, opened the first bottle, and gave it a taste or ten.

"What the hell's Byakuya doin'?" Ōmaeda asked, picking his nose.

Several pairs of eyes were already on the Iron Chef. Even more turned towards him as the commentators brought attention to Byakuya. He had an elegant brush in his hand, and was staring down at a roll of high quality writing paper. Next to it was an ink fountain.

"Ichimaru-san."

"Ishida, go!"

"Thank you. I believe the Iron Chef is about to write his menu!"

An "ooooh!" passed through the crowd, and by now everyone was looking at him. There was tension in the air, and Gin remarked on how important it must be, if Byakuya was taking a few precious minutes from the cooking time to detail the menu before he's done.

He didn't move. Brush at the ready, eyes closed, he waited.

Concentrated.

Waited.

Seconds slipped by slowly. Alarmingly, seconds became minutes. A worried murmur swept through the crowd. Finally, he opened his eyes and moved, and the tension exploded in cheers.

Slowly, methodically, Byakuya wrote the complex Kanji for "Hamo", one stroke at a time with nary a hesitation, nor any urgency. His were measured, careful strokes.

Everyone watched. Several people gulped noisily.

Once he was done, he calmly laid down the brush and, without second thought, turned back to the cooking.

The silence was such you could hear a pin drop. It was Ichigo who finally broke it.

"Did... Did he just take the time to write 'pike eel' and then went back to cooking?" -_-;;

"What superb calligraphy." The Captain-Commander responded warmly. He was moved beyond words, but not beyond looking any different than usual, or beyond having his voice crush everyone else's for at least half a minute.

"Y-Yes." Gin finally managed to say, sweating profusely. "That's Kuchiki Byakuya fer ya, president of the Calligraphy Society."

In the meantime, Tōshirō had prepared a surprisingly small leg of lamb, rubbing it with oil, and putting it in an earthen pot with a bit of water, onions, garlic, and several herbs covering it. He covered the pot and put it on the stove.

"Orihime! W-"

His voice died in his throat when he turned and saw Orihime actually tasting the cauldron of horrors she had been cooking. She had gotten a stone ladle from somewhere, and it looked like it could hold the concoction long enough for the tasting to happen. Fearing the worst, he prepared to call for the fourth squad relief team, but to his infinite surprise, she suddenly started smiling, beaming.

"It's perfect!"

"Orihime..." He felt his blood leave his face, and managed to prevent his breakfast from escaping his stomach to go puke somewhere else.

"Yes Tōshirō?"

"That's Chef Hitsugaya for you!" He replied angrily, a vein popping on his forehead. "Nevermind, see that pot?" He pointed at the newly placed pot on the stove. "Watch it, okay?"

"Sure!"

"Chef Hitsugaya," Ishida called him, "I saw you put actually lamb in that pot, what are you planning? The theme ingredient is pike eel!"

"Yes, it'll be a Surf 'n' Turf. You'll see, it's a great dish."

"Sounds great, thank you!"

"Hmmm, Surf and Turf?" Orihime wondered. She started thinking of some boring flat ground with a lamb chewing the grass on it. Suddenly, the land turned into a giant wave of earth, and the lamb was swept away, only to be saved by a flying Orihime who took her and disappeared into the sunset, surfing her way to the sea, where proper waves awaited her. "Waaaah, that sounds awesome! No wait, when I go to the beach, there's always sand, if we're going to..."

"Don't put sand in the food!" Tōshirō interrupted, rushing to her side horrified.

"Wha? Of course not Tōshirō, who puts sand in the food? That's crazy!" She giggled.

"Whew, I see." He breathed in relief, leaving her to watch the pot.

"No, no, this is food." Orihime said happily, not loud enough to be heard by Tōshirō. "So I cover it with rock salt to have the same effect, and there's always starfish and water and seaweed and.. .I know! Sea urchins! And there's always a crab somewhere! Oooh and it's so nice to have watermelon splitting when we go to the beach too, and I know! Some firecrackers at night, ooooh this is great!"

In the meantime, Rukia was busy with the orders she had received from Byakuya. The dish was going to be a noodle dish, squeezing the mix she had made into a hot water pot to firm it. As the noodles cooked, she put them aside and started arranging them on a plate. Soon, after taking some fresh vegetables from the ingredients stand, she was ready.

"This is food for the body!" She cried enthusiastically, turning around and showing the plate to everyone.

A few people left their seats in haste, holding their hands to their mouths. Others stared in horror. Ichigo felt a cold hand creeping up his body and grabbing his throat.

You'd think something as innocuous as noodles can't be that bad, right?

It's just freaking noodles. Prepared with proper ingredients. Made to be edible. Which they were.

Except, it was food for the body.

Arranged by Rukia.

She thought it's be best if it'd look like food _from_ the body.

It looked like a plateful of alien autopsy. It was so warped that Ichigo's brain manufactured a memory of hearing a creature yelling in pain when Rukia was preparing it. He blanched noticeably and felt the world spinning in front of his eyes.

She thought it _looked_ absolutely smashing.

There was a general sigh of relief when she finally put it away.

"A-A-And now..." Gin resumed, somewhat pale. "It seems the Iron Chef is having some trouble!"

"Ichimaru-san." Ishida called.

"Take it, Quincy-san!"

"Thank you." He adjusted his eyeglasses again, one of these days he should go buy a pair that fit properly. "The Iron Chef is preparing some sort of sauce, but he needs to both add liquid and mix at the same time, so he's having trouble keeping the bowl in place."

Byakuya gave Ishida a look of disdain through the corner of his eye, then turned to his Lieutenant.

"Renji."

"Y-Yes sir!" He answered, leaving the mess of flowers he was arranging on the table and rushing to his side.

"Hold this."

"Ah." He took the mixing bowl Byakuya was offering. "Sure."

"Don't move."

"Pardon?"

In his confusion, Renji moved and managed to make Byakuya lose his mixing tempo. The Chef looked up and, with complete calm, pointed two fingers at Renji.

"Bakudō sixty-one, Six Rods Prison of Light."

Six beams of light crashed on Renji's body, freezing him completely in place. He couldn't even move an eyebrow. The bowl stayed perfectly in place as Byakuya mixed things.

"Much better."

"C-Captain..." _

"Matsumoto, hows the..." Tōshirō looked around, and his eyes found the half a dozen empty bottles of sake before he found his Lieutenant, curled up nicely by the ingredients stand. "MATSUMOTO!"

"Waaaah! Yessir whatsit?" She stumbled up, with a drunken blush and a hesitant step.

"Did you just drink the sake I told you to use?"

"Nono, s'okay, I put the two cupshes in the pot like you shaid, Cap- Hic! Chef."

Tōshirō relaxed slightly, but was still annoyed. He opened the pot and was nearly knocked off his feet by the smell that wafted from it.

His breakfast decided it was the perfect time for a bid for freedom.

Battle ensued.

Tōshirō won, this time at least.

_I will be back!_

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"

"S'okay, Captain, you shaid to add sake, but it washn't any good, sho I ushed something else."

"S-Something else?" He blanched.

"Shooooooo... Dunno, shomething, I tried till I founds shomething nice, it taste great sho it'sh all good."

Tōshirō looked at what was near the pot. There was a bottle of vinegar, a bottle of molasses, a bottle of chilli sauce, different types of oil, soy sauces, oyster and fish sauce, and a bottle of Turpentine.

_What the hell is a bottle of Turpentine doing here? Dear god, please, don't let it be the Turpentine._

Tōshirō approached the second Pot of Death™ his assistants had managed to concoct in one day. Rather, in less than a freaking hour. With a trembling hand, and a covered nose, he placed a spoon inside it. The spoon survived, which was good, but for the life of him he couldn't unstick it from the ungodly mass of horrors that inhabited the pot. He thought he heard something chuckle amusedly from inside.

Deciding between figuring out what was in there and having to do battle for a second time with his breakfast, or living in blissful ignorance and trying to salvage some other dishes, he decided for the latter, and slammed the heavy lid on top of the pot.

_Bliss._

Something punched the lid from the inside, sending it flying.

Tōshirō placed it down again and secured it in place with seven turns of thick rope and a double reef knot.

_I don't want to know, I don't want to know..._

"And another fifteen minutes gone, we enter the second half of the battle!" Gin called from the commentators box, as the crowd broke into extremely loud cheers. "And what a battle it is!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Woah, lookit that!" Gin called, pointing at the space behind the kitchens.

After finally being freed from the kidō, Renji had started a large fire, and was picking through the burning wood to grab some coals.

"I wonder what he's up to..." Ichigo murmured.

They were interrupted when Kūkaku ran into the arena, screaming.

"Oi you idiot, what are you doing?"

"What's..." Renji looked at her, surprised, and before he could finish, something caught fire from the sparks of his bonefire, and seconds later a large fireworks explosion shook the whole arena.

Again.

"Bakudō eigthy-one, Splitting Void." Byakuya called, without stopping his cooking.

"Santen Kesshun!" Orihime called at the same time.

Their kitchens were spared, but that was about it. Once the roar of the fireworks had died down, Renji was in the middle of it, looking a bit cooked, but fortunately still on the rare side. Kūkaku grabbed him by the hair and pulled him up to her face.

"Oi dumbass!" She shouted, making a vein on her forehead pulse. "That is your damn kitchen!" She forced Renji's head to turn left, with a few ominous cracking and popping sounds coming from his neck. "And this is where I'm setting up my fireworks." She turned his face to the other side, more popping and cracking sounds. She then put her face less than an inch away from his. "You stay on your damn side of it, got it?"

"Y-Y-Yes ma'am!" Renji replied, as sweat ran profusely down his face.

"Well, I don't know what Abarai-kun was planning, but I guess we'll never know now." Gin commented trying to lift the mood up again.

"Man she's scary..." Ichigo replied, emerging from under the table.

"And what is the challenger doing?"

"Ichimaru-san!"

"Ishida, go ahead!"

"Thank you. I believe the challenger is preparing a pike eel shabu-shabu!"

"Oooh, a hot pot! That sure is original!"

Tōshirō was concentrating on the pike eel; he had to cut the bones well but also give the meat a thin slicing so that it'd cook properly in the pot. That meant he had to delegate preparing the rest of the ingredients on someone else.

Orihime was watching the lamb.

Matsumoto was drunk.

He tossed a coin.

It landed on its edge.

_Sigh._

"Matsumoto! Start chopping the rest of the ingredients."

"Hmmm? Whassthat Chef?" She asked over an empty bottle of sake.

Tōshirō wondered where she had gotten it from, she had already worked her way through all the sake the Kitchen Stadium had made available for cooking.

_I don't want to know..._

"For the shabu-shabu! Even you can't mess something that simple up, chop-chop you go!"

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaai." She answered, grabbing a chopping board and a knife and making her way to the ingredients stand.

In the meantime, Renji had started a much smaller fire at the kitchen and was picking wood chips to put in it. A few moments later, he put every piece of pike eel Byakuya had handed him on a grill on top of it.

"Oooh, a barbecue! Isn't that nice."

"Ichimaru-san!"

"Take it, Quincy-san!"

"Thank you. The Iron chef is actually preparing the pike eel for two different dishes here, one will be a stew, and the other will be the dessert!"

"A barbecue dessert?" Gin asked.

"That sounds like something Orihime would do..." Ichigo replied, turning slightly pale.

"Renji. Are the plates ready?" Byakuya asked coldly.

"Yes sir!" He pointed at a series of plates with floral arrangements placed on them. And in the middle of each was enough space for two small bowls.

"Very well. Rukia. Start preparing them."

"Yes, Nii-sama!"

Rukia started pouring the sauce Byakuya had prepared in one of the bowls, and in the other she arranged some cooked pike eel roe Byakuya had handed her.

The pieces were slightly too big. Fortunately, it was nothing a bit of excessive pressure couldn't fix. Before long she had the roe crammed into six small bowls, and next to them the bowls with the dark, very very dark, dip.

"And it's ready!"

She lifted one of the plates to show everyone, and this time the sight wasn't as terrible as they had expected. The floral arrangement was very pleasant, a string of three-coloured flowers on one side and a simple but neat arrangement of leaves on the other, acting as a double accent to the two bowls of food.

The floral arrangement was the first thing that caught everyone's eyes. But the mood was slightly different when eyes started looking at the food itself. The dip was actually _bubbling_, and was so dark it all looked like a little tar pit. And the roe, sweet dear goodness the roe. It was so packed and compressed, and who knows what it had been cooked with to give it that colour, bit it looked like they were being served a tiny brain.

Tiny little brain in a bowl.

"Isn't this nice..." Rukia said, looking at the food with very different eyes than everyone else's. "And this..."

She poked the roe with a fork, and to her surprise, it suddenly exploded, sending itty little bits of fish eggs all over her face.

"Maybe it's a bit too packed. Ah well!" She piked a bit that had landed on her lips. "It's so tasty though!"

"There's... There's something wrong with those two..." Ichigo said, pointing at Rukia and Byakuya, as a large sweatdrop appeared on his forehead.

"I can't believe that Renji's so good at the sissy stuff though." Ōmaeda said, munching on fried rice crackers.

"How can you be eating at a time like this..." Ichigo asked, suppressing a gag and looking at the large man.

"MATSUMOTO!"

"Hmmm?" She looked up sheepishly at Tōshirō, holding her cutting knife in one hand.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

"Captain... Esh... I mean Shef... I'm only doin' whatcha tol' me t'do..."

Tōshirō looked at the pile of sliced stuff Matsumoto had accumulated. She had started from one end of the ingredient table and was merely working her way through everything.

Everything.

Every damn thing.

The ungodly pile of mixed-up stuff would take hours to unravel if he wanted to salvage anything.

_How the hell did she manage to slice everything up so dam fast when she's so drunk?_

Tōshirō looked at the clock, and was startled by how little time he had left. He looked at the pile of ingredients, which Matsumoto was still adding to (_freaking hell is that sliced Spam?_), and then at the kitchen.

_I have to at least save one dish. What's..._

"ORIHIME!"

"Yes Chef?" She answered, all smiles and sparkles, standing in front of the earthen pot she was watching.

"I told you to watch that pot!"

"And I'm watching it!"

Indeed she was, looking at the smoke rise with wide interested eyes, keeping some distance so as to avoid breathing it in.

Without a second's hesitation, he rushed to the stove with shunpo and, without even bothering to protect his hands, pulled the pot out of the fire. When he opened the pot four things became clear.

One, he was never having breakfast again before cooking with any of those two. Scratch that, he was never having breakfast again.

_I told you I'd be back!_

Two, there was a lot more stuff in there than he had originally put in.

Three, the extra ingredients had actually survived well, even though they looked inedible.

_Why is there a whole sea urchin in there? And what the hell is... No, I don't want to know..._

Four, the lamb was burnt to hell, but some of it may be salvageable.

He didn't need much, he could make the eel the main part of the surf & turf, and have the lamb as an accessory.

"Orihime..." He put his hands on his eyes, fighting his internal battle with his food at the same time. A vein pulsed on his forehead. "When I told you to watch it, I meant to make sure it didn't overcook or... Burn down."

"I see..."

"There's no time. Try to get the lamb back, will you?"

It was an odd choice of words, but Orihime didn't have time to ask him to explain before he rushed out to his next dish.

"Back... Back..."

Lightbulb. Chill up Tōshirō's spine.

He ignored it.

"I know!" Orihime put both hands a few inches above the pot, and called forth her powers. "Ayame, Shun'ō, Sōten Kisshun!"

The two little fairies dutifully obeyed, and a glowing barrier appeared over the pot.

"Rukia. Get the stew ready."

"Yes, Nii-sama!" She answered, taking the plate Renji was handing her.

What caught everyone's eyes was the pile of severed pike eel heads sitting atop the whole thing. As for preparing them, Rukia started by impaling them on skewers and placing them on a row, making a sort of miniature version of a road to Hell, with the grilled heads of the fish looking as if they had kind of melted down, bits of flesh and their whitened out eyes hanging out. And she looked happy as a clam, humming a cheerful children's song.

Something twitched inside Ichigo's stomach.

"Why don't they let Renji do the arrangements?" Ichigo asked, trying his hardest to avoid looking at the completed dishes.

"Oooh, did you hear that Abarai-kun?" Gin called. "That's Ichigo praisin' ya!"

"I never did that!" Ichigo complained.

"What was that?" Renji called from the floor, annoyed.

"Shut the hell up!"

Ichigo stood up and threw something at Renji, which turned out to be a live octopus. As it hugged Renji's face while he struggled to rip it off, Ichigo sat down again, fuming.

"Where did ya get that from?" Gin asked, surprised.

Ichigo looked at the host with a bored expression, then simply pointed at Matsumoto. She was going through the second ingredients stand and throwing the bits she didn't like at the spectators.

"And three quarters of the battle are gone!" Gin called over the loudspeakers. "We're on the final stretch of the battle!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Ichimaru-san!"

"Tell us Ishida!" Gin replied from the commentator's table.

"Do you remember the barbecue Renji was preparing? Well, now that he's finished with the pike eel, he's grilling _stones!_"

"Stones? What's that for?" Gin asked.

Ichigo looked at him and shrugged.

"Ichigo, you should talk, the microphone don't work with gestures..."

In the meantime, Rukia had gotten a winter melon, and after slicing the top off, was emptying the contents.

"You think they're going to serve something in there?" Ichigo asked.

"Well, they better hurry, we're almost out of time!"

Tōshirō looked up when he heard the comment about the time, and grimaced. So far he had a Cauldron of Death™, a sealed Bowl of Death™, a Stew of Many Things™, and hopefully he'd be able to save the Surf 'n' Turf and make some dessert. He placed the last pieces of eel on the grill.

"Renji, go get the fruit." Byakuya ordered offhandedly.

_Oh shit!_

"Matsumoto! Get the plums!" Tōshirō shouted.

Matsumoto looked at him in a drunken stupor, and Tōshirō realized she was completely out of it. He looked at Byakuya, and an instant later both disappeared in a blur of shunpo. When they re-emerged a fraction of a second later, they stood looking at each other on opposite sides of the ingredients tables.

"Oooooooh!" The crowd sounded in admiration.

Nobody had followed what had happened, except...

"Ichimaru-san!"

"Our sharp eyed Quincy has the scoop! Tell us!"

"Thank you. It was quite a skirmish, both chefs went for the dessert ingredients at the same time, and I believe we're about to see the result of that exchange!"

Byakuya was holding the only surviving small basket of plums. Tōshirō had another small basket in his hand. The white haired boy suddenly smiled.

"You lose, Byakuya."

"What's the meaning of this?" Byakuya asked, unhappy about being addressed by his first name.

"I know what you were thinking, because I was thinking the same. Plums for the dessert, or cherries?" Tōshirō lowered the basket, showing a small pile of freshly picked and perfectly ripened cherries. "I wasn't sure either, but when I heard you, and looked at the ingredients, I knew what I had to take. The cherries."

Byakuya looked at his plums. His expression didn't change.

"You just noticed it, didn't you?" Tōshirō continued. "It's too early in the season. Those plums need another week at least, probably two. It's the same for the cherries. There was no way to decide. Then I noticed these. There is only one place where ripe cherries can be found this early. The small valley West of the 1st District in Junrinan. It has an abnormally warm climate, and the earliest season in Soul Society. And there is only enough..." He raised his small basket of cherries. "… for one of us."

The stadium suddenly erupted in loud cheers, as people clapped and shouted Tōshirō's name. Gin and Ishida made simultaneous comments about the amazing battle they were witnessing. Tōshirō, in the meantime, with a satisfied smile, went back to his side of the kitchen.

"C-Captain..." Renji muttered.

Byakuya turned without a smile and tossed the basket of plums at Renji.

"I'll start peeling them immediately!" He called.

"No time. Rukia. Renji. Let's go."

With a soft whisper, Byakuya gave instructions to his subordinates, and they went to the back part of the stadium, keeping a safe distance from the fireworks (specially Renji).

"Dance, Sode no Shirayuki!" Rukia called, releasing her Zanpakutō.

"Bankai." Byakuya replied, dropping his sword and releasing the powerful display of cherry blossom petals that was his bankai.

Between them, Renji stood with the basket of plums, sweating profusely.

"Now." Byakuya called.

Rukia stabbed at the ground four times, and prepared one of her Zanpakutō's attacks. Byakuya pointed with his hand towards Rukia. Renji looked side to side and, closing his eyes, tossed the plums into the air and ducked.

Ichigo could swear he heard the plums screaming in terror.

"Next Dance, Hakuren!" Rukia shouted.

Her attack clashed with the thousands of blades from Byakuya's Senbonzakura, catching the plums in the middle, and everything got minced up into a trillion tiny little pieces. The skins and pips of the plums got skilfully tossed aside by Byakuya's Zanpakutō, and the rest mixed up, the plums and Sode no Shirayuki's ice, cut into a very thin slushy sorbet. Renji emerged from under the pile of ice with the basket and grabbed the falling slush before it could hit the ground.

"S-S-S-Safe!" He shouted, trembling both in fear and because he was freezing cold under the ice.

Without another word, Byakuya sealed his Zanpakutō and took the basket from Renji's trembling hands.

He'd have liked for someone to drag him out of the ice before he froze solid though.

Rukia went back to adorning the watermelon. She had covered it in her trademark horrible, terrible, unfathomable bunny drawings, giving them very disturbing deep set eyes and mouths.

After that, she went to prepare the sorbets.

"Woooow, that's amazing." Orihime commented, after looking at the whole display with unblinking eyes.

"ORIHIME!"

"Yes Tōshirō?" She asked. Smiles, sparkles, light from heavens, flowers. The works.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE LAMB?"

"Well, I..."

She looked down at her Sōten Kisshun, and she was a little bit surprised by what she saw.

She had been so distracted she hadn't paid attention to how far back in time she had brought the dish.

The lamb was now rare.

Very rare.

In fact, raw would have been an understatement.

"Baaaaa!" The tiny lamb called happily.

"Oh my! Hello there!" She smiled at the tiny lamb, taking it in her arms.

"W-W-What... Why... WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!"

Tōshirō looked around in desperation. There it was. He took a large cleaver and turned to the lamb, and Orihime.

"Tōshirō, what are you doing?" Orihime asked.

"That's Chef Hitsugaya! And as for what I'm doing, I need lamb meat!"

The lamb and Orihime looked at Tōshirō with wide, surprised, scared eyes.

"You don't mean..."

o_o

"We have no time!"

O_O

"Stop looking at me like that!"

Q_Q

"…"

Tōshirō put his hand to his face and pressed on his eyes. He had no time. Dammit all he had no time.

He sighed.

"Fine! Go get the Tofu, quick!"

"Yay!" Orihime cried out, jumping in the air and letting go of the lamb.

"Baaaaaa!" The lamb replied happily.

He took the pike eel from the grill and, leaving half for the dessert, put the rest on a plate.

"Tōshirō, normal or smoked tofu?" Orihime asked from the fridge.

"That's Chef Hitsugaya!" He answered, throwing the pike eel in the earthen pot angrily. "And just bring the normal one, cut it and put it in the pot!"

He turned annoyed and went back to the cutting board with the empty plate in his hands.

Empty plate.

_Hold on._

Empty. Plate.

With sudden realization, he opened his eyes wide and, afraid of what he was about to see, turned towards the way he came very, very slowly.

In his haste, distracted by the lamb and Orihime and all the damn madness, he had put the pike eel in the earthen pot.

The earthen pot that had the lamb before.

The lamb, and all the rest of the horrors Orihime had seen fit to add to it.

There was a distinct *thunk* as his soul fell to his feet.

On the other side of the kitchen, Rukia had finished preparing the sorbets too. To make it cute, she had made them into little faces, using small chocolate pieces to make the eyes and mouths.

It was actually quite cute.

No, really. A few people were smiling.

That's when she added the pike eel. Crispy grilled bits of skin and fried bone crackers. Very nice. She dipped them into raspberry sauce for extra deliciousness and placed them on the icy faces.

Or rather, stabbed the little faces repeatedly with what, to the untrained eye, looked like blood-stained shrapnel. As the raspberry blood dripped down, the once happy looking dessert became a most disturbing image of _murder._

Murder, she wrote.

Or rather: Murder, she served.

With little icy smiling faces.

"That's...Giving me the chills..." Ichigo commented, trembling head to tope.

"That's icy sorbet fer ya." Gin replied, smiling evilly.

"Yes... Right... Sorbet..."

Tōshirō was going through the motions without even thinking anymore. He ground the cherries, removing the pips and mixing them with steamed glutinous rice, serving it over a sheet of spring roll rice paper wrappers. He then placed the last of the grilled eel on top, and told Orihime to close the wraps.

In the meantime, he filled the sink with water and tried to drown himself.

Unfortunately, the water froze before he got his head in.

He settled for repeatedly banging his head on the ice.

"Whasssat... 'Rihime..." A very drunk Matsumoto asked, after putting down a HUMONGOUS shabu-shabu stew plate, filled with everything she had sliced and, in a corner, some pike eel.

"I'm finishing the dessert!" She answered, full of energy.

"I sheee... Issat grilled eel..."

"Yes! Very nice, isn't it?"

"Hmmmm... Doeshn't look right..."

"What do you mean?"

"When I'sh grillin' things dey looks more... grillish..."

"Oooh."

"Coloursh not right... Wait... Here itsh."

Matsumoto covered the pike eel with ground pepper until it was much darker.

"That's a bit too dark, isn't grilled meat a bit more... reddish?" Orihime offered. "Wait, I know!"

Without hesitation, she sprinkled the eel with chilli powder.

"That's better!"

"Ishnot right... There'sh shome... whassit called... Grillish lines..." Matsumoto struggled to put her thoughts into coherent sentences.

"You're right! Well that's easy!" Orihime answered, grabbing a squeeze-it tube of chocolate syrup and going for it. "And we go like this, and then like that, and there we go! Lines on the grill!"

Tōshirō looked up from the ice, saw the two girls fussing over the dessert, hesitated for a second, then went back to head banging.

"And ten seconds to go!" Gin called.

"Chef Kuchiki is finishing his last dish!" Ishida informed the audience as the countdown started.

Byakuya poured a juicy mix of ingredients from the wok into the emptied and adorned winter melon. The mix looked spicy, with a bright, warm red tint in the sauce and all the perfectly cut ingredients.

That was the dish.

As it turns out, Rukia had been a bit too enthusiastic when cutting out the eyes and mouths of the little cute (well, _Rukia-vision-cute_) furry creatures.

So much that there was a slow drip of sauce through the overly deep holes.

Eye and mouth holes.

Red sauce.

Furry creatures crying blood and bleeding through their mouths.

Ichigo turned paler than his hollow when Rukia placed the result with the rest of the Dinner from Hell.

On the other side, Matsumoto and Orihime had finished the Dinner of Death.

"Aaaaand that's it!" Gin called. "The cooking's done, the Pike Eel battle is over!"

"And now, let us have a word with the Chefs." Ishida called from the floor. "Starting with the Iron Chef. How did the battle go?"

"As expected. Not a problem."

"I see. Was it a problem not to have the right ingredients for the dessert?"

"Irrelevant."

"I... Um... I see. And how are the dishes?"

Byakuya extended his hand as if inviting Ishida to take a look by himself. He felt his pulse accelerate somewhat and a cold sweat breaking out.

"I see. Thank you..." He moved fast to the other side of the kitchen. "And Chef Hitsugaya, how did the battle go for you?"

*Bonk*

"I... See. Did not getting to the eels first impede you in some way? Did you have to compensate?"

*Bonk*

"Um... How are the dishes?"

Without raising his head from the block of ice in the sink, Tōshirō pointed back over his shoulder with his thumb to where his assistants had arranged the dishes.

"I... See... ThankYouVeryMuch, BackYouIchimarusan!" He called hastily, running away towards the nearest toilet.

"Thank you Quincy-san! And don't go away, after a short break we will be having the next part of your program!"

"Ah. Right." Ichigo said. "Thanks for the invite, Gin, but I-"

"Ah? Not leaving yet, are you Ichigo?" Gin asked.

"Well, the cooking's done, what else...?"

"The next part of course! Tasting and Judging!"

"Uh..."

"And of course you're part of the... Hey! Where are you going!"

"BANKAI!" Ichigo shouted, releasing Tensa Zangetsu, and legging it out as fast as his enhanced speed would carry him. "YOU'LL NEVEr catch me..." He shouted as he disappeared in the distance.

"Ah, he's gone. Well, Ōmaeda-san, looking forward to the tasting?" Gin asked, smiling malevolently.

Before Ōmaeda could open his mouth, half a dozen members of the Special Ops Corps jumped at him, pinning him down to the ground. A moment later, he had disappeared, leaving behind only the jacket of his uniform.

"Way of Onmitsu, Utusemi!" Ōmaeda called out loudly from the top of the Stadium wall. "Who do ya think you're dealing with? I'm the Lieutenant of the Second Division! You idiots are a hundred years too early before you can catch-"

He was interrupted when, with a very loud crack, a tiny foot hit him on the chin, sending him flying down to the commentator's table and crashing loudly. Suì-Fēng appeared next to her fallen lieutenant with a blur of shunpo.

"Who's a hundred years too early?" She said dismissively.

"That's Captain Suì-Fēng fer ya." Gin said. "But you know... You've broken his jaw, how is he going to taste now?"

"Uh... Well..."

"I suppose there's only one thing to do now." Gin said dramatically to the microphone, and a hush fell through the stadium. "Our judge will be... Captain-Commander Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto!"

Yamamoto didn't move one muscle. A few long seconds passed, and suddenly a small bubble formed out of his nose.

"He's... Asleep?" Suì-Fēng said, suddenly speaking very softly.

"Yes, so I suppose..."

Gin looked at Suì-Fēng, and she was about to do her particular disappearing act when a hand fell on her shoulder. She turned to see Yoruichi standing next to her.

"Y-Yoruichi-sama! Don't... Don't tell me..."

_Yoruichi-sama! ;_; But... But if you tell me to... I... I will have to..._

"Suì-Fēng." Yoruichi said, with a serious face, making her former protégé gulp noisily. Suddenly, she grinned. "I have an idea."

Suì-Fēng's eyes sparkled, and a glow surrounded Yoruichi as she grew five feet taller (at least when seen through Suì-Fēng-Cam™)

_Yoruichi-sama!_

"Well then." Gin called with a very soft voice to the very silent stadium, nobody wanted to wake the old man up. "We're gonna take a short break now, and we'll return with the tasting and judgement!"


	5. Chapter 5

After a short break, the spectators regained their seats, looking down at the arena, where a table had been set for the judges to sample the delicacies prepared by the chefs.

"Welcome back everyone!" Gin called over the microphone enthusiastically, over the roar of the cheers and applause. "It is now time for the second half of our battle, the Tasting and Judgement!"

"Gin-kun, shouldn't that be tasting and judging?" Kyōraku asked him discreetly.

"Yes. Jud_ging_." Gin looked at the neatly arranged dishes through the corner of his eye. A large sweatdrop fell down his face. "Sure."

Kyōraku assumed his place at the head of the table as Gin continued, doing the introductions.

"And fer the tasting, we gots three new guests. First, allow me to introduce, Captain of the 13th Division, popular with the ladies too, and good friend of our Chairman, Ukitake Jūshirō!"

Roars of applause as Ukitake walked in with an easy and graceful step, bowing and assuming his place at the table.

"Thank you for coming, Ukitake." Kyōraku said, with a smile.

"Ah, well, of course, since you said you needed my help." He looked around. "It looks very different from down here."

"It sure does, isn't it great?"

"And now, our second judge. A well known name in Soul Society, former 12th Division Captain, Founder and first Head Researcher of the Shinigami Research and Development Institute. Please everyone welcome, Urahara Kisuke!"

Roars of applause as Mr. Sandal and Striped Hat walked in, with a wide, goofy smile.

"Why do I have to do this again?" He asked over his shoulder.

"Shut up and eat." Yoruichi replied unkindly. Behind her, Suì-Fēng was beaming at the one and only _Yoruichi-sama _and her way of fixing everything.

"Hai, hai."

"Welcome, Urahara-san." Kyōraku greeted him, with exaggerated pomp.

"Hi. What are we doing here today?" Urahara replied, sitting down at his place.

"Oooh, you haven't seen the battle." Kyōraku smirked. "We're here to judge a cooking battle between Byakuya and Tōshirō."

"Really? My, that's unexpected. Could be interesting!"

"And finally!" Gin continued. "Our third judge. No battle of any kind would be complete without this man, Captain of the 11th Division, he who loves battle the most. Everyone, please welcome, Zaraki Kenpachi!"

A new round of applause as Kenpachi walked in, taking a seat too and looking around.

"What the hell. Is this what you meant when you said you were treating me for lunch today?"

"Yes, it should be quite a treat!" Kyōraku replied enthusiastically.

"Hmph!"

Gin moved to the table with all the food, and raising his arm, he pointed invitingly towards the half with the Iron Chef's dishes. As he did, Byakuya and his two assistants assumed their place, Byakuya next to the Chairman, and the assistants behind the Chef.

"Today, we will begin with the dishes of Iron Chef Byakuya."

A piano solo started, nobody knew where from. As the gentle music filled the air, Gin pointed at the first dish. A plateful of Alien Autopsy, and enough to feed a whole Division to boot. Rukia smiled proudly, while everyone else tried their best to avert their eyes.

"The first dish: Spicy pike eel noodles with spring vegetables! A creative dish, combining the pike eel inside the noodles and cooked in a light kelp broth. The refreshing combination with the freshly picked spring vegetables make for a light but flavourful opening dish."

He pointed at the second. A plate with a delicate and well balanced floral arrangement, placed around two small bowls containing a raw brain and some bubbling tar. It was actually not that, but from a distance (anything less than three inches) that's what it looked like. It combined marvellously with the first dish, completing a well-rounded autopsy.

"Second: Pike eel roe with dip! With a tasteful decoration of one of the stars of the Ikebana Club, Abarai Renji."

Up at the stands, Unohana smiled and nodded approvingly.

"The Iron Chef does go for once beyond the barriers of traditional Soul Society Cuisine. The roe is cooked to perfection, with just enough of a hint of a firm texture to accompany the potent Italian style dip. The combination makes for a delicious and entertaining dish."

Gin pointed at the third dish. A bowl of thick stew, with floating pieces of slightly charred pike eel, and perched above all a grilled pike eel head on a skewer, serving as a macabre warning of what could be found inside the bowl. A cold whiff of air blasted through the Stadium as some of the spectators became petrified in terror.

"Third, Deep Pike Eel Stew. The name reflects the depth of flavours of this dish, with a rich and complex aroma that is just out of this world. The grilled pieces of fish have no hint of unpleasant fishy smell, but retain all the flavour of the pike eel."

Next, Gin pointed at the bleeding winter melon. Some of the sauce that had escaped through the eyes and mouths of the terrible carved little creatures had cooled down and solidified somehow, and by some twist of fate it looked like dried-up blood down to the colour and texture. The most horrifying thing was not the image of the little bunnies bleeding from their eyes, but rather what it suggested was trapped inside the melon.

Some things are more horrifying when left to the imagination.

This was one of them.

"Fourth, Spicy Pike Eel Stone Grill! Despite the appearance, the spicy dish inside the winter melon will be served on hot stones right at the table, finishing the dish in a very unique and creative way. The Iron Chef assures us this dish will have an excellent kick, which will not compromise the flavour."

Gin pointed at the closing dish. The sorbet had started melting slightly which, bizarrely, made the happy smiling face take a turn for the grotesque, pierced by the crispy bits of pike eel and giving the impression of bleeding profusely due to the raspberry sauce. It was bizarre in the sense that nobody thought it could possibly be any more grotesque before seeing the melted version.

"Finally, a dessert! Pike Eel Crispy Crackers! The Iron Chef presents a twist on a traditional dish, crispy grilled skin and fried bones on a sweet sauce and presented on a plum sorbet, a dazzling array of contrasts that find harmony in this dish."

Gin's smile and surprisingly gentle descriptions were in sharp contrast with everyone's pale faces and disgusted looks.

Except Zaraki. He had a much more expressive face.

"What the F-"

"And now we begin!" Gin interrupted. "The first dish will be served by the Iron Chef himself, the noodles!"

Ukitake turned as pale as his hair when Byakuya started digging inside the innards of the alien remains, and placing parts of the intestines together with different quivering organs onto plates. The poor thing was still alive, judging by the screams of terror it was producing.

Actually. Byakuya was just serving the noodles.

Remember what I said about the dangers of imagination?

Yeah, that.

No matter how hard he tried, Ukitake couldn't move his hand to pick the chopsticks up.

"Hm, this ain't bad." Kenpachi said, munching on a sizeable portion of noodles. "You went easy on the salt though."

Everyone turned to him, with varying degrees of shock. He was eating like nothing in the world was wrong.

"Yeah." Byakuya replied in a soft, calm voice. "As this was to be the opening dish, I preferred to make it mild and let the vegetables do their work accentuating the eel."

"I see. That's quite impressive!" Urahara replied.

Ukitake looked at Urahara, and saw he was fumbling around with the chopsticks trying to grab some of the food. He managed to see under the hat and the mat of messy hair, and realized he had his eyes closed.

_Let's try it._

The last thing Ukitake saw was Rukia's expectant face. He fumbled around, took the chopsticks, and after two tries, grabbed what he thought would be some noodles.

_It's just noodles. Just noodles._

Trying his best not to remember he was eating an alien corpse, Ukitake managed to eat a mouthful of them. He was shocked by the fact that the taste was pretty good. Mild, as Byakuya had suggested, the vegetables gave a hint of spring.

He almost gagged when he remembered the screams of the poor alien, but regained his composure thinking of his subordinate Rukia having prepared it.

_Noodles. Noodles. Noodles. Noodles. Noodles. Noodles. Noodles._

"I..." He managed to gulp. "I see what you mean about the salt. It's good though!"

The praise had sounded somewhat forced.

"And now, we move on to the second dish!"

Much to the relief of everyone. Except Kenpachi, who had merely finished his dish without a second thought.

"Go, Ken-chan!"

"Yachiru, don't be a dummy, This ain't a battle."

Plates with flowers and the tiny bleeding brain were placed in front of all the judges. Urahara broke into a cold sweat, and Ukitake was looking so pale he was starting to glow.

The white haired Captain lost all sense of time, and was only woken up when a loud pop, like a firecracker, went off next to him.

Urahara was holding his fork over the remains of the exploded tiny brain, and bits of it clung to his face, sleeve, and hat.

"I appear to have messed up the dish a bit, eh-hehehe." Urahara said, with a goofy laugh.

"Now this had a proper kick. I think I'd have rather had this one as the opener, I like starting with a bang!" Kenpachi said.

Everyone turned to him again. He had finished, and both bowls were empty.

No explosions reported.

_Start with a bang?_

"How is it, Captain?"

Ukitake turned to the voice, and looked at Rukia, who was looking at him with wide expectant eyes.

"Ah! Well..."

Fork. Loud pop. Still there was enough of the little brain to give three people nightmares. The tar clung to the brain so thickly Ukitake used the knife to cut it, and with some trepidation, closed his eyes again and hastily put it in his mouth. He had swallowed before giving it a chance to really taste it.

"It's really good!"

Rukia's eyes sparkled in joy.

"Third dish, the stew!"

Ukitake hadn't opened his eyes yet, and neither had Urahara. Both were looking somewhat sickly. Surprisingly, Kyōraku was handling the madness quite well.

"Well this..."

A splash interrupted Ukitake, and involuntarily he opened his eyes to look at the origin. Urahara had dropped one of the pieces of pike eel by mistake back in the bowl, as he was trying to pick it up with the chopsticks.

Chopstick food eating without opening one's eyes is hard. Don't try this at home, kids!

It could also have been his plan all along, to get Ukitake to look at the food first and judge his reaction. After hearing his teeth clattering together, he prudently decided to keep his eyes closed.

"Oh my, I'm so clumsy."

Ukitake's eyes were fixed on Urahara's bowl. Try as he may, he couldn't look away.

_How can a fish look like a disemboweled corpse floating in its own juices?_

Chewing is for people who are in no hurry of finishing their meal. That's what Ukitake told himself. And Urahara probably agreed with him, they raced to see who could reach the bottom of the bowl first.

They looked like they'd have the same race with a different bowl in a second.

"Well, the crispy eel does work well with the broth. I have to say I'm surprised, I ain't tried a double cooked fish like this before." Kenpachi said, putting the bowl down satisfied.

_Good grief, is this man afraid of nothing?_

"And now the fourth dish, the Iron Chef will serve it himself!"

"Captain, what do you think? Isn't the melon great?" Rukia asked, forcing Ukitake to open his eyes and look.

"Y-Yes... Quite impressive Kuchiki..."

He couldn't prevent seeing Byakuya dip the ladle inside the hollowed-out melon. He absolutely, positively didn't want to see what came out, so disguising it as squinting with a big smile, he closed his eyes again. He was never, ever, opening them.

Ever.

Plates were placed in front of each of them, covered with the piping hot flat round stones Renji had put on the grill. As Byakuya served a ladlefull of the spicy dish, a cloud of steam puffed away as soon as the food touched the searing hot stones, going over the judges' faces.

"Oh *cough* my." Urahara spluttered. "This is quite *coff* spicy!"

*Nom*

"Yeah, I like it!" Kenpachi said, munching happily.

*Nom*

"The smell is quite good, though the first kick caught me completely unaware! Ah-ahaha. What an original idea!" Urahara said, with some forced enthusiasm.

"Well, yea, but-"

***CRUNCH***

For a moment, you could've heard a pin drop in the sudden silence. Everyone turned slowly to the origin of that sound. Eyes firmly closed and frozen smile, Ukitake had stopped mid-munch. A small stone slid out of his half-opened mouth.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Captain!" Rukia cried out.

Ukitake put both hands to his mouth, screaming in pain. Paramedics from the fourth division rushed in, ta-

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><p>*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*<p>

We apologize for the inconvenience. We are experiencing technical difficulties.

Iron Chef Seireitei will return shortly, please bear with us.

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><p>"And we're back! Sorry about that everyone. We had a bit of an unexpected situation here, but we're back!" Gin announced.<p>

The crowd cheered again. Ukitake was sitting back on his chair, smiling with a large handkerchief tied around his head and jaw, holding a small bag of ice over his left cheek.

"And for the closing, the special frozen dessert! I believe Captain Ukitake will like it a lot." Gin said, grinning maliciously.

"Ah well..."

Ukitake looked down at the plate, and the frozen image of Death. He then looked around and saw Urahara had his eyes fixed on the dessert too, wishing it away probably, and Kyōraku was, after some trepidation, eating it, looking quite content.

"Kyōraku, how are you managing so well?" Ukitake asked in a low voice.

"Well, you know Katen Kyōkotsu... Compared to her, well..."

"I... See."

_Scratch that, I don't want to see..._

Urahara put down his spoon, pretending as best he could that it had been a very satisfying affair, but the trembling of his hands and the pale tone of his face betrayed his true feelings.

"It... It... It was quite good. Yeah. Quite... Surprising, too. Hehehehe."

"Yes... Yes! Surprising! Eh-hehe." Ukitake agreed, trying his best not to look at Rukia straight in the eye and holding his hand to the ice pack.

"Yeah. I said I wasn't crazy about the opener, but all put together is was an excellent meal. Gonna be a hard act to follow for Tōshirō." Kenpachi said, grinning widely.

And Ominously.


	6. Chapter 6

"And now, everyone, we will present the dishes of the Challenger, Hitsugaya Tōshirō!" Gin announced, under a roar of applause.

He walked to the table where the dishes were being showcased. A sudden hush fell across Kitchen Stadium, while the delicacies of the challenger were uncovered. Tōshirō assumed his place next to the Chairman with such a downcast expression that it was impossible to see his eyes. Behind him, Matsumoto and Orihime were all smiles and sparkles. Matsumoto with a somewhat uneasy step and a drunken blush.

Gin continued undeterred. He pointed at the cauldron Orihime had prepared, and the bowl of seki-seki stone that held the sample dish. The dark liquid bubbled ominously, and as Gin spoke, the floating piece of pike eel started to dissolve.

For a moment, some of the spectators thought they had seen a puff of steam rise from the bowl in the shape of a human skull.

"First dish, Pike Eel in Broth of Vigour! The Challenger starts with a powerful statement, a classical recipe taken to new limits with his boldness and imagination. Should the taster survive, it will be an unimaginable experience!"

Gin then pointed at the second dish. An earthen pot closed with a heavy lid and sealed with several turns of strong rope, a double reef knot, and Bakudō sixty-three, Locking Bondage Stripes. The pot trembled and shook every so often, as whatever was inside tried its best to escape. Ukitake and Urahara imperceptibly leaned back and away from it.

"Second dish, Stew Surprise! The Challenger is presenting an exceptional dish, full of life. The uncovering of the serving pot should be an unforgettable event!"

As the crowd's favourite commentator pointed at the third dish, the audience was starting to look a lot more colourful, with green, white, and blue featuring more prominently on the surprised and, shall we say, terrified faces. Taking almost half of the table, the GINORMOUS shabu-shabu stew plate was letting out puffs of steam in a dazzling variety of colours, to match the faces of the audience.

"Third dish, Pike Eel Shabu-Shabu! The Challenger does a twist of this traditional recipe, in a dish that will surely have something for everyone. Each taster will have a variety of sauces and additional ingredients to adjust the flavours to their own taste."

Gin pointed at the next dish. A large flat plate with several whole sea urchins, starfishes, different kinds of seaweeds, all around the large pieces of pike eel arranged as if the original fish was still there, neatly placed next to the slices of tofu, and on a bed of something resembling sand with clear soup around the edges.

It looked wonderful. Like a perfect miniature scene of the sea.

It just didn't look edible.

"Fourth, a very surprising dish, Surf 'n' Turfu! The Challenger changed gears halfway through to present a piece of the sea to us, using tofu instead of lamb meat. The originality displayed here is simply unmatched."

Finally, Gin pointed at the last plate. With just some minor green decorations, it held a small bag made of spring roll wrap and tied with a chive. It was almost refreshing that the actual dish was _hidden_ inside the bag.

Something to be grateful for, at last.

"Finally, a dessert! The Challenger has prepared a contrast of elements wrapped inside a little bag of surprises, mixing crispy grilled pike eel with a harmonious combination of rice and cherries. A fitting end for this affair!"

By the time Gin had finished, the audience was extremely confused. On the one hand, looking at the dishes was nowhere near the level of horrors they had been subjected to during the Iron Chef's presentation.

That was a relief.

On the other hand, _nothing_ looked edible. Half of the things didn't even look like food to begin with.

There was a sort of perverse fascination preventing anyone from peeling their eyes from the tasting ahead.

It felt wrong.

Horribly wrong.

But not a pair of eyes could look away from what was about to unfold.

"And to start with, the Challenger will do the honours himself and serve the opener soup!"

Tōshirō took the stone ladle and the stone bowls, and one by one placed a piece of pike eel in them, only to drown them in the concoction of anti-matter that Orihime had prepared at his behest.

She may have been a little liberal with the interpretation of his instructions though.

He didn't even look.

Or breathe, for the matter.

After the terrifying meal they had just gone through, colour returned to Ukitake's face when he smelled the dish. It didn't look like the kind of colour one would expect to find on a human, but It was a start. Urahara seemed to be stuck in an infinite loop of giggling a couple of times, hiccup, then giggle again two times, eyes fixed on the bowl.

Even Kenpachi had his eyes fixed on it without moving one muscle.

"What the hell..." Kenpachi started saying.

"You can do it Ken-chan!" Yachiru cheered him on from a few meters behind.

"Please begin." Tōshirō said, then started mumbling. "Before the whole thing dissolves away..."

Kenpachi was the first to do so. He took the bowl, raised it to his lips, and with no apparent hesitation he sipped. And sipped again. And before long he was done with the bowl, scooping the piece of pike eel with the stone chopsticks to finish.

His expression hadn't changed. He still had his eyes fixed on the (now empty) bowl. Plain, somewhat serious expression.

A few seconds passed.

And then, he suddenly grinned, a half-cocked grin showing half of his compliment of teeth.

One could have heard a pin drop, such was the silence in the stadium. In fact, nobody said a word, yet the tense, surprised faces seemed to be whispering "Ooooh!"

And just like that, the whole Stadium exploded in cheers, the spectators chanting Kenpachi's name in unison and whistling and shouting, almost unable to believe their eyes.

Spurred by the Captain's success, Ukitake and Urahara finally took up their bowls and sipped.

Once.

* * *

><p>*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*<p>

We apologize for the inconvenience. We are experiencing technical difficulties.

Iron Chef Seireitei will return shortly, please bear with us.

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><p>"Welcome back, everyone!" Gin called. There usual cheers answered him. "Our two judges have regained consciousness, so now it's time for us to move to the next dish!"<p>

All eyes turned to Tōshirō, who didn't move a muscle from his position by the Chairman. Orihime and Matsumoto, though, took their serving implements and headed for the thoroughly sealed earthen pot.

"Hold it down Rangiku-san!"

"I'm trying!"

"Aaaah, it's slippery!"

*Clatter* *Clatter*

"I got it, I got it!" Orihime called enthusiastically, descending upon... something, with a very sharp knife.

There were some squeals reminiscent of a pig being skinned alive with a red hot sharp iron in a pit of spikes. More clattering sounds, a thump or two. Matsumoto and Orihime seemed to be struggling to keep whatever was in there down. Finally, with a snap that was _felt_ through the whole stadium, the squealing finished.

They still spent several seconds struggling with that _something._

When they finally served the "food", everyone was thoroughly shocked at what was served. Each plate contained a nice decoration of mixed salad greens arranged in a pleasant fan shape with some accents of colour of sauce and other vegetables, and next to them a quivering slice of something pitch black. Matsumoto had to take a moment to finish stabbing one of the slices to death to prevent it from escaping the plate.

Urahara and Ukitake looked at the dish with perfect colour-coordination, green and yellow respectively, with a face one could expect from someone looking at a bottomless abyss of death.

Kenpachi hadn't lost his grin. Without hesitation, almost with some urgency, he took the special reiatsu-reactive cutlery they had been given (which created a sharp edge of spiritual energy, the only thing that seemed capable of cutting that food), and sliced away.

After the first bite, he laughed softly, and kept eating.

"It... it can't be..." Ukitake started saying, looking at Kenpachi.

"No, it can't." Urahara responded, referring to the food.

Eventually, spurred by the loud spectators and the success of Kenpachi, they took their cutlery and went at it. It took Urahara five tries before he managed to swallow the first, and only, bite.

Ukitake had to give up when the piece he was chewing became so stuck he couldn't open his mouth anymore. He thought it was a blessing in disguise, until Urahara got rid of it with some level 90 kidō.

Damn Sandal-Hat.

"I've never eaten anything like this!" Kenpachi nearly shouted, enthusiastically. "It's unbelievable!"

"I... I don't think I can do this anymore..." Ukitake said.

"Captain! You can do it!" Sentarō cheered him on from a few meters behind.

"You can do it! I'm supporting you!" Kiyone countered.

"I was supporting him here first!"

"But I'm supporting him best! Go for it Captain!"

"CAPTAIN! YOU CAN DO IT!"

"DON'T BE SO LOUD YOU IDIOT!"

"YOU'RE BEING LOUDER THAN ME!"

While the two third seats continued their escalating war on Captain Support™, the third dish was served. The GINORMOUS plate of Shabu-Shabu was placed on the table, and Orihime and Matsumoto went around putting some "Chef's Choice" portions on everyone's plates. The sauces and extra ingredients ranged from plain soy sauce to exotic and complex spicy ones. But for some reason, sweet bean paste figured prominently.

Tōshirō didn't move. It was hard to tell if he was even breathing at that point.

"Hahaha! What's this? It doesn't matter! I'm eating it! And this too! Hahahaha!"

Kenpachi seemed to be having a grand old time, spurring the audience into even louder cheers. Ukitake tried to eat one of the pieces of pike eel, but failed miserably. Urahara did manage, and promptly turned three shades of green, while some very strange noises emanated from his stomach.

"You can do it Captain! I'll help!" Sentarō shouted, rushing towards his Captain.

"What? I'll help too!" Kiyone replied.

"I'll help you open your mouth Captain!" He said, holding the nearly unconscious Captain's mouth open.

"Then I'll help him chew the food!" Kiyone replied, putting a piece of something she didn't manage to identify in his mouth with the chopsticks, then closing it, and between the two of them making Ukitake chew.

"Owner."

"Oh, Tessai-san, what are you doing here?" Urahara asked, hugging his stomach with both arms.

"I have brought you some fantastic stomach medicine." Tessai replied, producing a satchel from his pocket that wouldn't have looked out of place in a post-apocalyptic setting (hundreds of years old, possibly irradiated).

"Aaaah, that's okay, don't... Hey! What are... Hmph!"

"There, there, bottoms up!" Tessai said, forcing the medicine down Urahara's throat.

It wasn't long before the two assistants of the Challenger decided it was the perfect time to serve the next dish. At that moment Gin realized the Chairman was gone, and for the life of him he couldn't remember when he had taken off. Given the disarray of food, cutlery, and plates that was his place at the table, it looked like he had left with extreme urgency.

When the Sea Horrors™ was placed in front of the judges, only Kenpachi was still sitting in his place, grinning wickedly. Only the hat of Urahara could be seen above the table, and as for Ukitake, he seemed to be hiding under the table, holding on to the edge of it with one trembling hand.

"Lieutenant Kusajishi! Please let us through, we need to assist the judges!"

Yachiru turned around and saw she was blocking the access stair to the tasting area, and some members of the fourth division were trying to get through.

"Yes. Later, Ken-chan is busy now."

"What?"

"He's got that face, he's enjoying himself."

"But... Lieutenant! We need to get through!"

"Yes. Later." Yachiru replied distractedly, turning to the battle again.

"But..."

Reiatsu started swirling around the small lieutenant, forming a pink face of an angry cat over her head.

"You're... _Annoying me!_"

"Eeep!"

The fourth division members beat a hasty retreat, and meanwhile Kenpachi was laughing maniacally when faced with the fourth dish.

"This is amazing! I have fought thousands of battles, and I've never felt anything like this! I've never found anyone who could give me chills up my spine like these! And this is just food! It can't even fight back, and it gives me chills up my spine! Ah-hahahaha!"

Suddenly, Kenpachi ripped his eyepatch off, and his crushing reiatsu filled the arena, solidifying as a yellow skull around him. He was laughing like he was in the middle of battle.

"With food like this... With food like THIS... I CAN GO ALL OUT!"

"Go Ken-chan!"

By the time the dessert was served, he wasn't even bothering to describe what he thought of the food. When he opened the little spring roll wrap bag, a mysterious light seemed to radiate from it, and the music of Richard Strauss' _Also sprach Zarathustra, _of _2001: A Space Odyssey_'s fame, swung down from the heavens. He opened his eyes wide ins admiration, and munched away with complete abandon, as large drops of sweat raced down his face.

"Woman!" He shouted, raising his plate. "Give me seconds!"

As it tends to happen with the Captain of the 11th Division, he was the last man standing.


	7. Chapter 7

After the intense battle, the spectators were given a small respite to recover their breaths. While the votes were tallied, the chefs returned to their stations to await the verdict. Byakuya looked as calm and relaxed as ever. Tōshirō looked rather glum, but somewhat relieved too.

"I'm so glad this is finally over..." He muttered.

There was a deep drum fanfare, and Gin walked on to the stage, under a shower of applause and cheers. As short as it had been, the wait had been simply too long for everyone, such was the tension in the air.

"Thank you everyone, we're back with the results!"

More cheers. Tōshirō winced internally.

"It was supposed ta be the Chairman here to read them, but I'm afraid he ain't feeling too well. So I'll do my humble best."

There was a murmur and some clapping, a somewhat heartfelt feeling of good wishes for the Chairman to recover promptly. Gin, in the meantime, had his usual narrow grin and seemed to be having a grand old time. He coughed slightly and adopted a more formal pose.

"Today we've had the first battle here in Kitchen Stadium. We had great hopes for the opening cooking duel, and hoped it'd revolutionize cuisine in Soul Society forever."

Dramatic pause. Some people started to clap but were hushed quickly. The tension was high.

"Fer the first battle, we had young Hitsugaya Tōshirō as the Challenger, a kid from the Rukongai who turned a self-made man and Captain in the Gotei 13. He's the most triumphant example of the strength of the new generation, admired by many and respected by all."

A few light beams fell on him, to make him stand out in the middle of the Arena.

"Our Iron Chef was Kuchiki Byakuya, head of one of the four great Noble Houses, and upholder of tradition both in his household and out of it. One of the most famous Captains in the Gotei 13, he's also the president of the Calligraphy Society, and that tells us all we need to know."

The same light beam treatment was given to Byakuya.

Another dramatic pause. Nervous murmurs.

"And now!" A piano solo started suddenly. "After an unforgettable tasting, that will go down in history, now... Who takes it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme?"

A few more seconds passed as the piano chords became more dramatic. Suddenly several more beams of light fell on one of the Chefs.

"Challenger, Hitsugaya Tōshirō!"

Fireworks started going off, and flower petals and confetti rained slowly on Tōshirō, who had just become petrified. After just a moment, his two assistants reacted.

"We... We won!" Matsumoto cried out.

"We won! We won! Rangiku-san! Tōshirō!"

"Yaaaay! Yay yay!"

The girls started jumping in their happiness, and a moment later Matsumoto embraced Tōshirō from behind in a bear hug with extra-large marshmallows, and unable to resist, Orihime did the same and embraced both from the front, and the two girls jumped up and down in happiness as they nearly suffocated Tōshirō.

"Well, well, let's look at the scorecards, shall we?" Gin called, over the roar and booms of the fireworks. "Zaraki Kenpachi, 20 to 18 for the Challenger! Ukitake Jūshirō and Urahara Kisuke... Couldn't turn in the score cards, unfortunately, as they left the tasting area in great haste. Well, they were carried away in great haste, but that's just details. So! Winner, by single and unanimous decision! Come on everyone, let's give a big hand to Hitsugaya Tōshirō!"

It was the battle that revolutionized cuisine in some parts of Soul Society.

Namely, the 11th Division.

On that day, the legend of the Kenpachi grew even bigger. For generations, Kenpachi was the name and title given to the strongest Shinigami in Soul Society, the one who loved battle most, the one who killed the most enemies.

That day, the Kenpachi was also deemed so only if he had the strongest...

Stomach.

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><p><strong>Author's Closing Thoughts ^_^<strong>

There you have it folks, the battle is over! Truth to be told, I've never been told whether poisoning all but one of the tasters to win was a valid tactic in the original Iron Chef or not, since noone has ever been skilled enough to apply it.

Thank you everyone, for the kind and encouraging reviews and comments, the alerts, and the favourites. It's been really encouraging! It's good to see that my occasional insanity does at least amuse someone besides myself.

And curiously enough, this marks my first ever completed fanfic on this site. :)


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